Do You Even Bleach?
by HellfireSupremacy
Summary: Ichigo is really strong. He struggled in his quest to save Rukia for one reason and only one reason: noobishness. Maybe if someone had actually bothered to explain how his powers work...


**Do You Even Bleach?**

(Because this is how it should have happened)

* * *

"Running off to Soul Society to save your girlfriend?"

"Shes not my…wait…YOU KNOW!?"

"Sit down son." Isshin Kurosaki produced the contents of his liquor cabinet. "Sake, Soju, or Kaoliang?"

"…I'm 15…"

"You're a Quincy, Hollow, Shinigami, hybrid."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I'll take the Kaoling." Icigo picked the strongest drink in Isshin's cabinet and sat himself down.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"How?"

"The shinigami powers come from me; I used to be a captain. The quincy powers come from your mom; she was pretty badass. The hollow powers come from…well…there's this dude named Aizen. This part's important…you're gonna run into him if you go to Soul Society, and his zanpakto has the power to…" Isshin told the tale.

Ichigo needed another drink.

"It's a lot to take in; I know." Isshin filled his cup.

"You…weren't going to tell me any of this if Rukia didn't get kidnapped…"

"Wasn't gonna tell you anyway, until Urahara butted in. Was waitin' until you were right and ready. But hey…I'd be a real king-of-douchebags if I let you fight the Gotei 13 without giving you the rundown, amiright!?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"So…my hollow powers…"

"…fused with your shinigami powers. You have a bankai AND a reserrecion…that's the form with the horns. The skull mask is really just a piece of your zanpakto."

"But hollow powers are bad….so I should only use my quincy powers…"

"No; _**HOLLOWS **_are bad. Power is just power. Three sources fused as one is what makes yours uber." Isshin set him straight. "You're weak when you fear the mask, because you're fighting yourself. You accept your power as your power and wear it with pride—shit son—you have blut vein AND heirro armor AND more reitsu than Jesus. Game over. You win at everything. Now say it with me boy—what's the most important thing?"

"…ummmm…don't fear the mask…"

"Louder!"

"Don't fear the mask!"

**"Bullshit; I can't hear you!**"

"DON'T FEAR THE MASK!"

"**AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!" **Isshin gave him a solid slap. "Ain't a damn thing to be afraid of. It's **YOUR** power! You call it out, you say _I'm gonna use to save my girlfriend, _and you make that son-of-a-bitch put in work!"

"…She's not my girlfriend..."

"Aye. And Shunsui isn't a drunk."

"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"Focus boy. What's the most important thing?"

"Murder Aizen's face?"

"…the other most important thing..."

"Oh…right…don't fear the mask…"

"DON'T FEAR THE MASK!"

"That doesn't seem like it should be that important. Shouldn't I be…I don't know…power-training or something?"

"Ain't a damn thing you can learn from training. Powers already there; it yours for the taking. There's only one lesson you need to learn."

"Is it don't fear the mask?"

"DON'T YOU EVER, EVER, EVER FEAR THE MASK!"

"Right…I got that part. Anything else?"

"One more thing!" Isshin was just full of helpful hints. "Your power flows through your resolve. When your balls-to-the-walls serious you can break a million zanpaktos. When your sad or confused or thinking _I can't do this_—that's not just in your head—being a whiny little bitch actually lowers your power level. Aizen—he's gonna try to get in your head, right? Mindfuck you. Pull a _I've been watching you since you were born _or _this too is part of my plan _or some shit. Man-the-fuck-up and just keep beating on him. As long as you think you're the strongest, you pretty much are."

"…I'm finishing your Kaoliang…"

"Go for it."

Ichigo drank away 15 years of lies, deceptions, and feeling like a crazy person for being able to see ghosts. "You _**REALLY **_weren't going to tell me any of this?"

"In all fairness, I_** WAS **_going to give you your mother's old spirit charm."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"For luck."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"You really are a king-of-douchebags."

"I know."

"Thanks dad."

* * *

"THE SENTENCE WILL NOW CARRIED OUT BY SOKYOKU!**"** With all Captains in attendance, Yamamoto gave the order and broke the seals that signaled the commencement of Rukia's execution.

"…None of the humans tried to save her…most surprising…" Aizen brooded. This was NOT going according to plan.

"None would be so foolish." Byakuya steeled himself.

_**CRASH! **_Something too fast to track pierced the Shakonmaku.

"…Yo…" Ichigo was on Sokyoku Hill before Yamamoto could shout _Intruders!_

"_YOU!" _Byakuya made the terrible, terrible mistake of bum-rushing him. "Scatter, Senbon—_**OOF!**_"

"…Nope…" Ichigo gut checked him mid-release and chucked him clear back to the 6th division barracks. "You…old man…" Ichigo drew his sword and pointed it at the Head Captain. "How many of your goons do I have to throw off this cliff before Rukia goes free, and which one is Sosuke Aizen?"

"Have you any idea who you're speaking to, brat!?" Yamamoto unsheathed Ryujin Jakka.

"If I'm talking to the guy who gave the order to kill Rukia, cancel it, or I'm gonna kick your ass."

_**SLASH! **_The Head Captain was enraged.

"…hold that thought…" Ichigo's blut took the hit unbothered, and a gaggle of dumbstruck captain's gaped.

A split second later Ichigo was gone, and Rukia was tucked safely away in a cave outside Rukongai.

"Ichigo! How did you get so…" Rukia sniffed. "Have you been drinking?"

"…Heavily…" Ichigo tongue-kissed her, Shunpo-ed back to Sokyoku Hill, knocked Yamamoto out with a headbutt, and reitsu-amped while shouting "Which one of you is Sosuke Aizen!?"

Every other captained cleared away from Aizen and pointed.

"I don't know what you've heard about me." Aizen tried to talk his way out of it. "But I assure you…I…"

Ichigo bankai-ed, went full hollow, switched to offensive blut, and kicked Aizen in the 'nads so hard he coughed up his own testicles.


End file.
